the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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