I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
