oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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