I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
