My hand turned me down
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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