I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
