So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize