Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
