I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
