it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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