I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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