In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
