i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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