if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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