I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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