hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize