The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
