I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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