I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
