You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
