I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
