I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
