I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
two words...techno handjob
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize