I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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