You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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