I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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