I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
