just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
