Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You're like the curious george of whores
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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