How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize