guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
