It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
