I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
