then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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