where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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