Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize