we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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