I think i peed on brittanys purse
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
