The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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