You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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