she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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