I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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