My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
