god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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