I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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