Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
