you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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