I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
