I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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