you didnt know i had herpes?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
