Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
