Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
