i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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