By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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