You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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