This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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