I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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