i need an iv and a liver transplant
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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