every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize