I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
