god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
