But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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